on rock and roll…
I love this song, I dont know why to be honest. Michael (my cheetah) doesn’t care for it at all but he is an alcoholic idiot. I have to admit though that this song is not on any of my play lists and I dont even own a copy leagal or illegal but I love it when out of the blue it airs on the radio in the car.
It is however one of those wicked amazing songs that you love to rock to but only ever comes on the radio just as you are about to leave the car.
This leads me on to my latest idea for radio toast. Imagine, you put the bread in the toaster, select your track from the toaster display and then sink the bread into the toasting cavity. As your bread burns under the heat it is encoded with magic toasting crystals. Once you toast pops up and you sink your teeth in to it, your head becomes a human amplifier for the song bursting out of the toast as you crunch it between your beautifully shaped teeth.
Before you think about stealing this idea, its mine. You can continue to have toast but not Radio Toast. I will be speaking to my people about this, expect to see it on shelves soon.
I had to write to the Prime Ministers this week because Theresa May really bugged the crap out of me.
Read my letter here
The last time I grew a moustache I was ridiculed and laughed at, I was 7 and knew no better, children can be so hard.
This time its for charity,being fond of supporting good causes and also balls (mine, not other peoples), I have decided to participate. Please help and donate here:
The title of this post has nothing to do with it’s content. I just wanted to point ou that I have a new look website, it was cheaper than a new look wife which was a deciding factor. Take a look at pistolfeet.com or bbc.co.uk, one of them is mine but I am not telling you which. I love trickery.
First name: Darren
Last name: Porter
Email: *************
Phone: 079********
Hi good morning, I am writing to you in the hope that you can once and for all settle an argument I have been having with another family member regarding Red Bull.
When our baby was born it was the most wonderful thing in the world for us, we had waited so long for a child to come along and she did not fail to fill that void in our lives. We called her Jessica-Paul after my late father who died 2 years ago in a freak trampoline accident.
As with all new babies, friends and family would come to visit and meet our beautiful new daughter. It did however become quite frustrating that whenever they would turn up Jessica-Paul would be sleeping.
I consulted with my wife first because she has a degree in art and she agreed with me that making her bottle up with 50% Milk and 50% Red Bull might just keep her awake long enough to see people when they visit.
Jessica-Paul took to it really well and we saw a positive improvement in her awake pattern. Since then I have been giving her a 25% Milk 75% Red Bull bottle every morning to kick start her day but my sister (who does not have kids I might add) is insistent that I should not be doing this because the baby will become addicted to Red Bull.
In your opinion, what is the best ratio to mix the bottles at, and would it be worthwhile rotating brands of energy drink to prevent addiction?
Thanks in advance
Kind regards Darren
UK.Info@uk.redbull.com to me
Hi Darren,
Thank you for your email. You posed some very interesting questions.
We forwarded your email to Social Services however, and they will endeavour to answer your questions when they contact you.
Although I must say there is no age restriction on Red Bull products, Red Bull is for anyone who is in need of energy, however we generally, believe most people under 16 have enough energy anyway so don’t need any additional help.
Hope this helps.
Kind regards
First name: Darren
Last name: Porter
Email: ************
Phone: 079********
Thank you for taking the time to get back to me, reading between the lines I think you are saying that Red Bull is not appropriate for those under 16, Jessica-Paul will not be happy.
When I was 14, I remember being made to participate in ‘Physical Education’ at school, there was nothing educational about it. Mr Simmons was an ogre of a man with an ego so big it poked out of his beautifully toned backside. Once when we were forced in to running the 1500 meters, I got half way round the track and was cream crackered which is when I thought, “This is stupid, I am not being chased, I am not trying to catch a bus, there isn’t a zombie or Paul Daniels in sight, so wtf am I running for?”
So I pretended to faint, put on an Oscar worthy performance and then enjoyed being carried to the nurse’s office before being collected early from school by my Dad. This was far more successful than when I tried to convince the school nurse I had punctured my brain with a pencil.
I seriously think you are missing a gap in the market, have you ever thought of producing Red Bull Junior? I think you could be on to a winner with that and to help you along I have come up with a few tag lines for you to use in the TV ads.
“Red Bull Junior – For fat kids and lazy children!”
“RBJ – Keep going you skinny twerp”
“Nerdy? Lazy? Red Bull Junior – For Life’s little losers”
All of the accompanying adverts should include explosions, a laughing monkey and Mr-T riding a camel.
I used to have my Yoga class on Tuesdays but since they closed the community centre for refurbishing I have a bit of spare time on my hands, if you need some more help with the product design or advertising I would love to help.
Best regards
Darren
From: Darren Porter
To: WD-40 Customer Services
Subject: Aftercare Cream
Hi, first of all congratulations on a truly great product, I have used it for years on bikes, cars, hinges you name it. I always have a can or two in the house and car because it is so useful and extremely versatile.
I need to ask a kind of personal question now so please don’t include this in your testimonials page. Following the menopause my wife became quite dry ‘downstairs’, every time we had intercourse I was seriously worried the friction was going to set fire to the bed.
I have to say that WD-40 brought the passion back in to our lives, as a lubricant it is just amazing. Can you tell me please if you sell any kind of cream we can use afterwards to stop the burning sensation and treat the rash?
I can put up with the smell but the itching is just a little bit to much to handle. If you don’t sell a cream can you tell me what other people are using to treat the side effects please.
Thanks for you time and discretion.
Darren
From: Darren Porter
To: WD-40 Customer Services
Subject: Aftercare Cream
My wife is becoming more and more concerned now, the itching is becoming worse, I called your hotline and the guy I spoke to recommended creosote but this has made things worse, please advise.
Regards
Darren
From: Gilda Smith
To: Darren Porter
Subject: RE: Aftercare Cream
Thank you for contacting our company.
This is not a recommended use, and we have no record of a call to our hotline.
Gilda Smith WD-40 Company 1061 Cudahy Place San Diego, CA 92110
From: Darren Porter
To: WD-40 Customer Services
Subject: RE: RE: Aftercare Cream
I called the hotline under my secret name of Gilda Smith, please check again.
From: Gilda Smith
To: Darren Porter
Subject: RE RE: RE: Aftercare Cream
You are not funny Mr. Porter please desist.
Gilda Smith WD-40 Company 1061 Cudahy Place San Diego, CA 92110
From: Darren Porter
To: WD-40 Customer Services
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Aftercare Cream
I know I am not funny, I am burning and itching, now I know how my bike chain feels!
I hope your menopause is more pleasant.
Regards
Darren
Name: Mr Darren Porter
Email: porter.darren@gmail.com
Telephone Number:
Type of Enquiry: Complaints
Comments: Regarding the Acklam Road Spar Store.
Dear Sir/Madam
I was once on holiday in Scarborough, I had enjoyed a lovely bag of fish ‘n’ chips by the sea front with my backside pleasantly rested on a bench. Upon finishing my lunch I stood to (as a responsible adult) place my rubbish and a few left over chips in to the waste bin. At this point I was tapped on the shoulder, at first I feared I had broken some sort of seaside law by not finishing my meal in its entirety, this was not the case and a kind citizen had taken the time to point out to me that a bird had crapped on my coat. You think I would have felt it happen but I did not. The moral of this story is…if you are not told something, you might not know about it.
Which leads me nicely to the Spar store in question. Though the staff there are mostly very grumpy, see the customers as a nuisance and will serve you only if they have to, there are plenty of them. Which makes me wonder why there has to be a queue back to the bread isle before a second person will stand behind a till and grimace. There used to be a sign up that said “More than 2 = A queue” I see they had enough free time to take that down. I am waiting for them to put the new one up “More than 2 = Screw you”. I remember once rushing there for some toilet roll, desperate for a you know what, 5 minutes I stood in the queue…in that time my colon got the best work out it had ever known, it was everything I could do not to paint the floor brown.
Instead of opening a till they blindly continue to pretend to be stacking shelves or fiddling with newspapers. I don’t want a newspaper, I want a cack, open a till!
The second point I would like to make is regarding the drinks chiller. Realistically the shelf that holds the Red Bull and Spar’s own energy drink (which is garbage I might add) has a space only tall enough to stack the cans 1 unit high. The staff clearly disagrees with this and insist on stacking them 2 units high which leaves no room at the top to put my fingers in to take a can. They are also packed tightly side by side making it nearly impossible to take a can without it being like some sort of challenge on the game show ‘The Cube’ which is also rubbish, I like Philip Schofiled mind you, but preferred him when he dyed his hair. Until recently I had taken to just punching a hole through the stacked cans and then picking up a can that had fallen.
I say until recently because you may be aware that a new Tesco store opened up across the road. The staff there are lovely, personable and seem genuinely pleased to A. help me and B. have a job.
Tesco is also cheaper, has fresher fruit and veg, is cleaner and actually has the produce displayed in a way which makes sense. Tampax, bog rolls and coffee are totally unrelated in the supermarket shelf-stacking world. I don’t even dip biscuits in my coffee so there is no way I am going to be dipping ladies tummy rockets in.
Finally. What on earth was the point in knocking the wall down in to what used to be Threshers only to fill that huge space with envelopes, magazines and overpriced staplers?
The smart money would have been to use that space as a hot food counter, walk in chiller, frozen food section, or something else that makes more sense, for example maybe a mini hotel for really small people like dwarves and midgets but not at the same time because we all know there is a secret war raging between the two species.
So many people I have spoken to echo exactly the same feelings as I…and like me, now use Tesco instead.
I am telling you about the bird crap on your coat. I hope you clean it off.
Regards,
Dear Mr Porter,
Thank you for your email, I am sorry you have had cause to complain.
I have forwarded your comments onto the regional wholesaler (James Hall & Co) who supply this store to look into this matter and respond to you directly.
Just to advise how SPAR is set up in the UK it is a voluntary group of independent retailers, each of whom owns their own business and controls their own trading policy. We are the Central Office of SPAR providing trading and marketing services to regional Wholesalers who supply the SPAR stores in the U.K.
Regards,
Customer Services Team
Name: Mr Darren Porter
Email: porter.darren@gmail.com
Telephone Number:
Type of Enquiry: Complaints
Comments: RE: Regarding the Acklam Road Spar Store
This sounds awfully like a bribe. I must inform you I could never be bribed.
Dear Mr Porter
First of all can I thank you for your email raising your concerns, with regard to matters to our customer service. I must apologise on the delay in responding, this has been forwarded onto myself Stephen Blair, Area Manager for the Acklam Road store.
I was disappointed on the service that you received and that you did not find shopping in our store to be a pleasant experience. This is not what I or the company expects.
I will with the store management investigate this matter and follow up accordingly. Again I apologise for this unacceptable service.
We take seriously all comments and feedback from our customers and appreciate yourself taking the time to make us aware of your concerns. I hope this incident will not deter you from shopping at our store in the future.
Yours sincerely
Stephen Blair
Area Manager
Name: Mr Darren Porter
Email: porter.darren@gmail.com
Telephone Number:
Type of Enquiry: Complaints
Comments: RE: RE: Regarding the Acklam Road Spar Store
I am pleased that you are taking my complaint seriously, they really are a grumpy bunch of employees but I reading between the lines I assume you intend to shoot some of them. I strongly advise against this since murder is a crime that could lead to imprisonment in this country. A modern day stoning with stones replaced by promotional flapjacks may be more appropriate. More than anything I would like to see the Red Bull shelf put right, I need my fix like a 3 day skint druggy.
Kind Regards
Darren
Mr Porter
The cans of Red Bull are now stacked only one high.
Again I apologise and thank you for pointing this out, so we could resolve this.
Regards
Stephen Blair
Area Manager
G & E Murgatroyd
This morning, to get the day going with a bit of excitement and to ignite some family fun with my children I decided and then announced we were having a ‘Bacon Bagel Party’.
I announced this before really thinking through a couple of things, firstly the definition of party and secondly how to sell the idea of one consisting only of bagels.
Never the less, my youngest son was excited at the prospect of any kind of party. He is six, that’s not his fault, he had no say in when Mr Pink met Miss Penelope and they danced until Mr Pink threw up inside her. At six, anything can be exciting but I feared I had my work cut out making bagels anything other than round with a hole in them.
Even though it was my mouth that formed the words ‘bacon bagel party’ I realistically knew that a party should have people, music and at the very least an embarrassing flash back the next day. Office parties are the very best type in my opinion, they generally happen at Christmas which is after Easter but before the Debenhams Blue X sale.
The Christmas Party
A full 300 days or so go by in the office, some of the people you work with are friends, some you just work with, you probably have a boss and there is probably someone you flirt with. During all these working days you act respectfully, even the first couple of drinks when you get to the Christmas are fine but suddenly and without warning EVERYONE is your new best friend, you have made the bosses wife pregnant, told John from accounting that you always knew he was gay and even offer to snog him to show that you like gay people, you tell Samantha off reception that it’s probably for the best that her dad just died since he never remembered anything and towards the end smelled really badly of piss.
The next day you wake up feeling quite sore, something doesn’t feel quite right but it’s not until mid-afternoon that events from the night before start flooding back bit by bit and you sink in to a deep and sorrowful depression, also at about this time Steve from the planning department will ring to laugh, ridicule and call you a cock-end. You will do it all again in 365 days’ time.
Back on the bagel
To get in the party mood I started to speak in the style of a Californian surfer and began saying dude after every sentence. Yeah dude, we’re gonna have a bacon bagel party dude and we are going to have it in the garden dude. I stopped this…. and then went on to decide that we would have bacon bagels with cheese, large cups of tea and dine at the garden table like mafia boss’s do in American films, it would have been more authentic if mid meal a henchman brought me a cordless phone and I whispered in to it “Bring him to me”, this didn’t happen but we did see a pigeon that resembled a younger George Clooney.
This was decided and discussed during a 5 minute return journey from my early morning taxi run to drop my significantly better half off at work. I say significantly better, I mean she has breasts.
Breaking the bagel party to Morgan.
It’s still pretty early in the morning, before eight, when we get back home and I had just finished explaining to Harrison why we couldn’t invite other people to the party. I would leave breaking the news to Morgan about the impromptu/slightly twisted party to Harrison. He rushes upstairs to wake up Morgan who is 13 and at present thinks the world hates him and his parents are angels of death sent to torture him with things like “Brush your teeth” and “Have a shower” or “How are you son?” He is a prime example of why children should come with a returns receipt. I have often thought about having him cryogenically frozen and thawed out once I am old and incontinent and need him to look after me – to date this is the best punishment I have come up with. Once I am allowed to practice medicine again I will continue my research.
Judging by the roar from upstairs it was clear that Morgan was not yet awake nor was he in the mood for a pre 8am party. Screw him, that’s not going to stop us. He did actually surface 10 minutes later and saw straight through my party rouse.
“That’s just eating bagels outside Dad”
So then I told him he couldn’t come to my party and he backtracked and agreed it was a party.
Dad 1 Morgan 0
Despite the lack of guests, music, dancing, drunk Uncle Terry or anything resembling a party, we actually had a good time. I enjoyed listening to their fascinating discussion on Modern Warfare 2 which I think is some sort of breakfast cereal.
Later I boiled some eggs for lunch, then wrote this.
My Palm Pre 2
Firstly, I would never have chosen this phone – frankly, anything with the initials PP is just not for me. Secondly the fact that its call the Palm Pre 2 and is identical in appearance to the PP1 indicates that the first effort was blundering mess akin to the projectile rebirth of last night’s takeaway.
The phone is actually reasonably pretty to look at though it weighs approximately the same as 4 pints of milk, the full fat stuff that gives you big hips and cancer.
I suppose my irritation is mainly that of the software and interface the phone uses. Everyone, is familiar with touch screen technology…if the spotty little kids at McDonalds can work a touch screen till then c’mon it should be easy enough to use this phone right?! Totally wrong, Palm or HP, whichever was most stupid first decided that ordinary touch screen was way to popular and needed to be screwed with to include off screen slides, flips and swipes – you actually HAVE to read the instructions before use, else the phone is only good for sinking ships or ram raiding post offices.
HP have their own App store, it’s a bit like Apple’s app store except it has hardly any good apps and its nothing like Apple’s app store. It really is about as useful as hole punched parachute.
Why do I have this phone? Ah, well it’s the phone of choice handed out to the special people at the company I work for. So not really sure why I have one, perhaps they are worried I will get lost and need to call for help – the last time that happened I had much difficulty explaining to the taxi driver what I was doing half way up a mountain dressed as an Elf and carrying box of wine. Fortunately the box of wine, mostly empty was explanation enough.
The single most annoying thing about this phone is its flashing beacon, it lights up when you have mail, text, notification or herpes. All phones do this, but the Palm Pre 2 has an almost sinister flashing technique, it can’t be described but it’s always there, flashing to annoy, flashing to antagonise, to make you, force you, compel you to pick it up and check what’s so irritatingly important – oh! It’s another penis enlargement offer. Why don’t I just go ahead and turn the beacon off? Because then this turd sniffing, arse touching, light house wannabe of a phone will have won! That’s why!
Before I rush off for my therapy session, I might also like to mention that the charger plugs (unconventionally of course) in to the side of the phone. So should you answer whilst it is charging you end up with a black lace spaghetti style moustache making you look like Nerd King of the Universe.
And finally-finally, it’s the needy ‘touch me’ ‘touch me’ type that wants charging every waking hour of the day, should you dare to let the battery run dry it will sulk and taunt you by taking 6 months to switch back on. I mean 10 minutes but 6 months sounds more dramatic.
It’s a really great phone, I urge you all to buy one.